would it kill you to breathe?

Thick as Thieves -- Dashboard Confessional

Would it kill you to breathe?
Easy only 17 miles lay between you and me
I could make it if I had to
I don't break easily
You've got my counsel, thick as thieves
If there's a crime we'll keep it secret
For there's only trace amounts left in your blood
You may be a sinner
But you may be justified

Just keep your mouth shut
Keep your guard up
I swear I'll make it right

Will it kill me to breathe
Not as easy as you think it is between you and me
I could fake it if I have to
I don't break easily
I need your counsel, thick as thieves
I have no crime to keep a secret
It was hers, it was not mine
Well I may be a sinner
But it wasn't me this time

Just keep your mouth shut
Keep your guard up
I swear I'll make it right

Listen to yourself
There is a hemorrhage in your mouth
It won't stop bleeding
Well you may be the traitor
I will hold the smoking gun
You'll get away clean
I'll keep your secrets til the grave has swallowed me
And I will never tell a tortured soul they are burning by my side
That I am a sinner
I am a savior
I am a lie

So keep your mouth shut
Keep your guard up
I swear I'll make it right

When people say that you only understand how much something means to you after it's gone, its true.

It has been 48 hours or thereabouts since they announced the postholders of 2007, particularly the GC of 2007. It is unreasonable for me to say that I deserved a position in the GC of 2007, for I know that I am not worthy of such a post, that I have no contributions to my name towards 01 that would count. Perhaps I set my hopes too high, or perhaps I was just trying to get something without working for it.

But then again, must my batchmates be like this? Now that this has happened, I've realised exactly how much I value them in my heart. All the things we did together, PT, camps, stayovers, birthdays, and all that. I know some of them, are more than happy that I do not continue my journey with them into the GC, that they couldn't be more thankful to see my back.

I know it's wrong for me to feel bitter about this, and that I'm selfish, but not a single one of them comforted me, not a single one of them asked me to come back to help, not a single one of them even spared me a glance, that I was hurt, so much so that my voice cracked during the final Venture cheer that we'd ever have. Or am I just asking too much of my own batchmates, people whom I have come to regard as my closest circle of friends, people whom I thought shared a sense of comaraderie with me, people who accepted me, whom I could act naturally around, people whom I could treasure.

It comes back to the picture that Royce and I talked about, of us sitting at some kopitiam 10-20 years in the future, having a drink and chatting. I've come to see the immaturity of this picture, imagining that we could keep contact throughout the next 10-20 years. some of us would, probably, but along the way people will fall away, deciding that other friendships are more worthwhile, or perhaps just leaving a lack of communication to widen the gap, and leave it be.

So they sailed away, into a grey sky morning. Am I going to try to follow? Or do I find my own ship, and navigate it into uncharted warters and find my own way in life?